My husband, Matt, snores like a bear. When we were first married, I barely slept the night through. As soon as he fell asleep, the sounds that resonated from that man were heard in every part of our house; the walls would rattle and pictures would shake. Teens and their bands could be practicing next door, but it would be the teens banging on the wall, telling us to keep it down. I went in search of every ear plug known to man. I found foam plugs that were supposed to mold to my ear, thus eliminating any sound from getting in. Problem with those, however, were that they felt weird. It was …

Do you remember a popular television show that ran in the '90s called “Home Improvement?” Tim Allen's character (Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor) was a home improvement television show host who was fond of grunting like a pig when he was in the presence of power tools. He also bumbled almost every project he laid his hands on. He'd often invite his sidekick, Al, to help him do something foolish, causing Al to say, “I don't think so, Tim” on a somewhat regular basis. Many people watched the show and laughed, not realizing how accurate Tim's portrayal of a man (and possibly some women) was, …

The heat wave that the whole country is experiencing is hopefully nearing an end. September and cooler weather are just weeks away--and I couldn't be happier. Not only because of the weather, but because it heralds our fall vacation. Every year in September, we head up to the Pocono Mountains for our family vacation near Bushkill Falls. It's a quiet house in a quiet neighborhood by a quiet lake. Until the Kells family gets there. But that's a story for another time. There are mondo amounts of packing to be done for a family of five, and since I hate to be without something, I pack everything…

When you're single and you get your first apartment, half the fun is decorating it. And if you're anything like me, money was tight so decorations and furnishings were often purchased at the thrift store, or you made do with hand me downs. You also get really creative, which translates to not being very picky. For example, I needed a table to eat on that wasn't collapsible and meant for television viewing. I spied one of those huge electrical spools behind a factory and asked if I could buy it. Luckily, they took pity on me and gave it to me. With a table cloth that I purchased at the …

For the almost 24 years I’ve been a member of the very large Kells family, we’ve vacationed together in Ocean City, N.J., over an extended Mother’s Day weekend. We'd all get down there on a Thursday, and stay until Sunday or Monday, pretty much inhabiting an entire floor of the resort. Perhaps the word “inhabit” is a bit tame. Take a loud Polish/Irish Catholic family, throw in some beer and other assorted alcohol, house them in cramped quarters, and let's just say that things can get pretty rowdy. Occasionally, an errant family had the misfortune to be wedged in a room between our very vocal …

After getting my brand new “future” car, I had to show it to my best friend, Michele. As soon as I opened the door and she got a look at the dashboard, she began laughing. Not a giggle or a snicker, but a full fledged, gut splitting, hurting your stomach, howling type of laughter that brought tears to her eyes. She kept pointing to the dashboard--then looking at me--and the laughter would begin anew. Knowing what her reaction would be, I was eager to prove that I could work at least some of the gadgets; namely, the remote start. I had her get out as I pointed the key fob at the car, made sure…

My husband, Matt, and I have been married 23 years now, and I can safely say that he's the most frugal (read: cheap) man on the planet. He's learned how to fix plumbing and electrical problems, just to avoid having to pay someone else to do it. For someone with absolutely no formal training in these trades, he does a good job for the most part. There was only one time when he hooked up the ice maker that overnight flooded the kitchen, sending waterfalls downstairs into the office, taking out a fairly new computer, fax machine and printer, then turning the office into a wading pool. But that …

Back in the 60s, much of America looked forward to a game show called “Password." The host, Alan Luddin, would pair celebrities with regular folks, and the spokesman would whisper the phrase, “And the password is... ” Hilarity would ensue as the contestants would have to guess the secret word via one word clues. To me, there has never been a more prophetic game show in the history of television.  Why? Because today we have passwords for everything. We even need a password to retrieve forgotten passwords. Just the other day, Matt was trying to figure out what I'd done to my cell phone plan. I'…

Matt and I take daily medications for thyroid and high blood pressure. Unfortunately for Matt, he never had high blood pressure until he met me, but that's another story. Since we don't have prescription insurance, I thought it would be a good idea to go online and see if I could purchase them cheaper. After two days of surfing the net, I found a site where the prices were unbelievably low. I was thrilled that my tenacity seemed to be paying off. I plugged in the names of the medicine and the dosage, and began the ordering process, complete with credit card information. Then there-cap came up…

I've worn either contacts or glasses all my life as I can't see far away. Heck, I'm so blind I can barely see a few feet in front of me without some type of corrective lens. But I was always able to read books without ocular help. And then one day, I couldn't. I'm sure it wasn't as fast as that, but it sure seems like it.  Looking back, I recalled the kids and I teasing their grandmother, Gretchen, about always losing her reading glasses. Now I have at least 10 pairs of my own and they're in every nook and cranny of the house... and I'm always looking for them. I'm now the one being teased. …

I've said it before and I'll say it again--I'm a sucker when it comes to televised sales pitches. I can't help it. I really want to believe in new miracle products that claim to make our lives easier, cut the time we spend in the kitchen, or make us look younger. The thing of it is, most of the stuff being hocked is just a twist on an old idea. For example, there are innovative furniture moving pads you place under the legs of furniture (only $19.99 for 16) to make moving furniture a breeze! On TV, it looks as if the pads are gliding over ice, which made me want to buy them if only to join in…

We live in a world filled with noise. It seems that just about everything emits some type of beeping, chirping, whining, bleating or buzzing. Years ago, when our daughter Aubrie was little, we'd gone down to the shore. We got into our little room, put our suitcases down and went out to walk on the boards. When we got back, we were treated to a loud, high pitched ringing noise, reverberating throughout the room. We searched everywhere, trying to locate the source to no avail. The hotel sent the maintenance man, but he couldn't figure it out either. Since there was no way we could stay in the …

I love flowers, and every year I plant them on just about every square inch of our deck. I've got them in window sills, hanging baskets, over-the-rail planters, oversized pots and whiskey barrels. I'm always looking for new and different plants, and love catering to hummingbirds and butterflies. A few years ago, I was in my annual search of something different when I came across a tropical "bush" called Angel's Trumpet. The flowers were long and hummingbirds loved them. I bought three small 8-inch starter stalks and planted them in my whiskey barrels. I probably should have read the entire …

For about the last 45 years, my husband, Matt’s, family has gone down to the shore every Mother’s Day weekend. Take a loud, Polish/Irish family, throw in some beer and other assorted alcoholic beverages, house them in cramped quarters, and well, you can imagine the mayhem that can ensue. And, boy, we have some tales to tell. One of the longest running irritants that have continually plagued our family is rain. I'm not talking about a steady rain or even a downpour. I'm talking about torrential, going sideways, ricocheting off the boardwalk (making an umbrella useless), and bring your ark …

Why is it that whenever you're in a hurry, it seems that all the world conspires to prevent you from being on time at your chosen destination? You could be in labor, hanging onto a severed limb, or running late for work, and you'll have the misfortune of hitting every red light in the city. But if you have all the time in the world, it's as if Moses has parted the Red Sea for you, holding the evil motorists at bay. Matt and I were going to an appointment in Philadelphia a few weeks ago. We made sure there was plenty of time for us to find the building and be on time. We got on the turnpike …

You come across a full sized lamp that you were sure you lost years ago, and both television shows, "Hoarders" and "American Pickers" are vying for the right to film you. Okay, okay, it's not really that bad at my house. Still, we've stopped using spring cleaning to describe our yearly ritual. We call it winter purging. After this long, long winter, we have so much stuff to get rid of; we may even need to get a special permit from the township. You see, I, sadly, am a pack rat; well, I prefer "collector of rarities". My husband, Matt, is the exact opposite of me. I call him a neat freak, but …

When you're a kid, nothing is better than occasions that heap candy, toys and/or costly electronics upon you. Frankly, as an adult, the same holds true. Too bad that as an adult, those occasions have dwindled miserably. In an effort to morph customs and religion many years ago, Santa Claus and all his mystery became a yearly endeavor of Christian moms. Proving his existence required little more than milk and cookies. Although, I have to admit, in our house, Matt told the kids that Santa was getting cookies and milk at every other house. Wouldn't it be nice if we left Santa pretzels and beer? …

I found myself in a very unusual situation the other day. I was completely alone in my house. I'm not used to that, and wasn't really sure if I liked it. Our house almost always has some kid or another hanging out. But then I realized that I could do whatever I pleased! I wanted to swing around, singing like Maria in "The Sound of Music." The problem was, there was no music. In fact, there was very little sound at all since the televisions were turned off. And I had no idea how to turn most of them on. You see, the kids have taken over the living room, where they have a huge flat screen …

Whatever happened to the fine art of small talk? Remember when you'd get on an elevator, and for 30 seconds, you'd discuss the weather or the rising price of gas? These days, people seem to want to tell you every single personal detail of their lives, whether you want them to or not. I can have a conversation with a wall, so I usually don't mind listening when people tell me their problems. I've heard some of the oddest stories listening to complete strangers and in fact, it's helped in my writing. My husband, Matt, however, would rather repeatedly bang his head against the wall, walk across …

We all know them — name droppers and truth stretchers. They don't buy kitchen appliances, they buy Sub-Zero refrigerators and Wolfe professional ranges. They always know some famous person's best friend's ex-wife's cousin. But to their way of thinking, they're an introduction away from being the famous person's best friend. I know a guy who's actually very, very sweet. However, he holds the Gold Medal for name dropping/truth stretching stories; other name droppers bow to his superiority. He's my age (translation – old), and is still working in his chosen profession as a musician and actor. I …